#argosthegreat can walk!
Amey and I are very pleased to announce the roster for SUPERNOVA Round 5.
122 people submitted for what we intended to be 40 slots but was again expanded to 48 to suit the overwhelming quality and diversity of applicants.
Of the pool, we chose people fresh out of early level classes and people…
When I was a freshman in high school, I made a series of battle plans along with my older brother and his friends that detailed how we’d take out our entire school once we obtained guns and bombs.
This happened while huddled over my dining room table, and it was funny….
It’s been a pretty trying week-or-so.
I got let go from the job I worked at for a year last Thursday, I got rejected from the Magnet Theatre’s Level Six for the sixth time and finally got the notes I expected telling me more or less to “go away” and the team I perform with didn’t get into the Del Close Marathon, the biggest improv festival in the world and one I thought we were a lock for.
I feel shitty, I feel terrible. Worse, I’m letting this ruin my appreciation of great things in my life I’m doing. I did an improv show yesterday and felt terrible when someone came up to me the next day and told me I was funny. I’ve got three-four interviews for new jobs and all I’m feeling is a panic over what I’m doing with my life. I wrote six pages of a spec sitcom for a group that I created due to this upheaval, the most I’ve written of anything in god knows how long and I struggle to even feel proud.
All I’m feeling is the thing I struggle with, that I’m not good enough, that I’ll never be good enough. Auditions are coming up at UCB and I’m just waiting for them to reaffirm what I already know, that I’m not good enough, that other people are better, here they are visibly, tangibly, chosen to be on teams, here are the people who are better than you this time and why.
I feel angry, angry at the Magnet where I took a million classes and felt I did good work and saw all my teammates get on teams. I feel angry at my teachers, why couldn’t they help me, I may be terrible at everything but I’ll take a note, I always thought I was the best at making adjustments, just give me an adjustment, tell me how to be a better actor, improviser, person, I’ll do it! I will!
Don’t tell me it’s me. That’s there’s nothing I can do. Please.
Of course I feel most angry at myself for not being good enough, for even feeling like I’m not good enough! Why can’t I excise the part of me that feels that I’m not good enough, be good enough to not feel “not good enough”?! Why can’t I just be *better*?
And then I just feel thankful. I feel thankful to Sebastian and Zeke and Ben for hearing about my bullshit and still talking to me. I feel thankful to Anthony for reading my notes and giving a shit about me. I feel thankful to Matt for talking me out of a slump for the millionth time despite the nothing I do for him. I feel thankful to Emily for dealing with all my mopey bullshit the most. I feel thankful to all the friends I’ve met in the community who seem concerned and engaged when they see me struggling.
Then I just feel exhausted. I surrender.
I work so hard and I feel so much shame when I can’t meet my own expectations. I want people to recognize me, but I want other people to feel recognized because it’s what I struggle with so much, so I do things like SUPERNOVA and The Hero Show and I work on them tirelessly because I know that’s how I want someone to take care of me, to give me an opportunity, a nice thing and a chance to make adjustments and succeed. I didn’t know anybody in the community, so I made something where everyone got to know everybody. I felt awkward around my teachers and performers, so I made something where teachers and students and performers could bond.
All of it I guess, at least partially, just trying to fix this thing inside myself that won’t feel good.
And I even judge myself for that, for feeling selfish and vain. For not knowing the direction to go in my life or just being confident or I don’t know, doing things for better motives? For not being happy when other people say nice things. I hate my own anhedonia.
I won’t claim altruism posting this either. But I will say when people have told me about their struggles on the internet, I’ve felt better, I’ve connected. I know I’m not alone. I know I’ve got a great critical eye, great taste in friends and performers and that I can be pretty funny when I’m in the groove of it.
So I don’t know, maybe this makes you feel better out there? Or maybe it’s just about me. Either way, and I say this with a laugh, I’m proud to be in a community with other people struggling. I’m proud to work hard despite my limitations. I’m proud I make things and do things even when I’m down. I get to be who I am.
And I get to meet so many funny people (and kiss one of them consistently).
Maybe, to end on some irony, I just feel good that I’m in a community where posting dumb rants like this is par for the course as opposed to the end of my career.
Sign up for The Hero Show: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1W7HIZRYa1_pKfnHIMyZ8jsiZkpykpo6V5ncyXDDUodc/edit?usp=docslist_api
THE REVIEWS ARE IN FOR TONIGHT’S SHOW!
"Costume-friendly! Counts down to Star Wars Day!" - The New York Times
MAY THE 3RD BE WITH YOU.
I never really talk about this stuff, but here are my thoughts on why the UCB is important to me. Not just the UCB, but theaters in general.
Growing up as a biracial child is extremely challenging. When I was a child, I was the only biracial kid in my school, other than my brother. I always felt…
Ask him questions about his album, TCGS, or his favorite dinosaur!
This week’s TCGS may be a complete shit show- and if it is, there’s absolutely nothing director JD Amato can do about it.
THIS IS AMAZING